·•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●•·•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●•· A Friend Loves At All Times, Proverbs 17:17 ~ I Love U!! ·•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●•·•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥●•·
on Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 7:02pm
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...I know your precious heart hears me...out of deep concern and lack of knowing what to do these words barely trickle from my lips: "we need to talk".
...I can't resolve this one on my own. I don't know what to say when I'm asked a multitude of times: "why does she hate you so much? Stop apologizing to her." I can't combat all that has been seen-said-done, its beyond my control as people have their own beliefs and facts known by many; but apparently I knew less as they've been/still informing me. I have no words for anyone any more; my mind wrestles wondering if their words are true...after all this time it would possibly make sense...I can't change what you think of me and won't try...I wish you nothing but the best...your battle is between you and god-im only a messenger/an instrument of love...blessings...
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I'm struggling but resolve not to give up on you...I have hope...no one can or will replace you in my heart...as iron sharpens iron...god used you to restore my faith and soften my hardened heart; for years I didn't let anyone in--you were the first person I cared about in a very long long time. Years of deep wounding caused my heart to get hard...woe to our similar past paths--but be comforted by that not angered or frightened--few people in life can have the comfort of knowing someone understands them...
...I know we've both had difficult lives. I say this with deep profound respect to you for surviving...I know the daily struggles with the past can hurt and shape us. Hurt/wounded people hurt & wound other people. If you're looking for answers, I can only point heavenward for I serve Him with my whole being...I know nothing else as an answer...He was my answer...
God has good news for you--a message of hope that can heal the past--this message of peace will make you whole.
Your spirit desires God but your mind fears Him. And dare I say possibly hates Him too. I've witnessed this dichotomy before in many people (we were associate pastors & helped many with this conflict); I struggled with that too before I knew God--I'm 'very' human--its not been all bliss. I've been angry at God at times (like now) but I always return to the truth: Evil writes the wrong in life-God is good and isn't the author of the bad. Evil lures us to believe God is bad-He is not. Evil gets us to be angry at God-He gives peace. I know He is good even though I don't like what he chooses/allows. You have big questions and so did I. I can only say: evil is in this world and God does repay it.
So don't be afraid...be strong...do not yield to the lies that try to penetrate your heart--they are not from God--He brings truth, love and peace--relief.
Be aware of wolves in sheep clothing...many are around...many are manipulating you (and me) for your favor, affection, attention, care; it pains me...hear me: you're placing your trust in the hands of the "WRONG"!! people and one person particularly--it grieves me; perhaps you see it in my eyes...on my face--I don't know what I can do to help you...except pray that you will 'see' with your own eyes...that the veil would be lifted...please be careful...be wise as a serpent yet gentle as a dove...
...beyond all that beautiful, elegant, dancer...I know you'll get your wings soon. I can see the brilliant colors through your cocoon--you were born to fly & be an incredible, beautiful, light for God--I see this deep down--(its buried BUT its a precious gem). Once you get your butterfly wings you will inspire others so they'll have beautiful wings too. I had a dream in which you touched many hearts--including mine (in a way as never before); your life has only yet to truly begin. Know these wings are not carnal or of your own doing but from God--turn to Him-give Him your heart-only then will you get your wings to fly...freedom...you're relying on your own strength to birth forth your wings--you will eventually tire (I did this too-I wasn't born faithful to God--no one is--it comes with much struggle to turn to God) Although you are strong, your true, destined, beautiful, strength lies in God...you will see and you will be grateful...you will finally understand fully all my words, deeds, and care for you...
...if i had one chance to tell you something...
I love u ♥ ~ I know you delight in this (as in friend--a true friend who's sacrificed-I know you know this) I care about u ♥ (as in concerned you're not ok)
...if it weren't for this deep stirring in my heart I'd believe you were ok; but we can't fool god and he's put you deeply on my heart for a reason.
I help those I care about. Sometimes I wonder if you've mistaken my care for competition--I've nothing to prove (I'm quite content); my heart is far from competing especially with you. I only want to support you if only you'd let me. If you're trying to prove something to me: prove that you love God...all else pales...Its not about dancing--its about God. Its not about outward change but inward change that then filters to the outside. Its His love for you and yours for Him. If there were another way I would say so.
When I reached out to include you in something, it wasn't from a boastful heart, I only wanted you to be a part of something I thought you'd enjoy and quite frankly be good at. I feel you've misunderstood many things & motives. It doesn't help that those around us have lied and confused the issues. I truly wished you would've asked me; so much could've been avoided. Don't believe all you hear--wolves don't speak truth and have an agenda. Let's excel from here on out, both doing better & HELPING one another.
Please also know I've not used you--I feel you've misjudged my motives concerning my helping you. I gain nothing for helping except satisfaction that perhaps I've made someone's load lighter by sharing it. The only true desire or gain I long for is to be completely healthy--no man can grant me that...
Please REMEMBER the GOOD between us there actually is a lot...I don't care what's happened in the past--its done and gone. (But I can't control the actions or beliefs of others at this point. Unfortunately I can't fix this on my own. I would if I could but its not my place to do so) Just like you, I desire peace & harmony between us. God told me you didn't mean to hurt me; the same as I didn't mean to hurt you either...we were both afraid of being hurt which resulted in the very thing we feared and were trying to avoid.
This is why we must walk in FORGIVENESS; an unforgiven past is suffocating--(a burden--so heavy that it tried to serve as a sever).
REMEMBER the EMBRACE; we moved on from that & started over again with everything--even with the unspoken. (....wait...what were you trying to tell me w that embrace...god has been impressing upon me that it wasn't a mere hug......was this your way of saying sorry for the unspoken?.....words mean things--its hard to guess your sub-text w out the text......talk to me....the tragedy is leaving this life with things undone/unspoken.....what are you wanting to say--don't let fear win--you must find your courage....), but please don't shame yourself, I truly forgive you-this is what my smile to you means-I'm not judging you. Everything forgiven (you)...all forgiven (me)...keep that alive...
REMEMBER also: You have VALUE. You are not worthless. Those who made you feel that way when you were young were wrong; they had no right to do that--but they're gone now & can't harm you any more. God didn't do those things to you--Evil did. You are special & your heart precious.
No amount of shame can take away your value; you are loved and cared for. I'm not going to let you give up on hope or yourself. When I speak to you, although brief, I mean what I say. You have tremendous worth (stop your self-loathing cycle)--you will see your value soon....all is not lost...there is hope...the future doesn't have to be enslaved by the past, it can be different--better--beautiful...
...if anything ever happened to you I would not be the same again...I recently had a horrible dream that this was true--it broke my heart...eventhough it was a dream...the residue remains...
I know you hear my words...a desire to communicate...I pray that god will further carry them on the wind to your soul...I had a promise given to me by the wind: the Holy Spirit will reach your heart with truth...that you will let true love in...god in...
And for the days I don't smile please know its because sometimes I need someone to smile at me...I just can't keep giving tirelessly...I'm only human...
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.....the embrace.....what did that 22 seconds mean to you...there's more there, I was aware of that immediately......what have you been trying to say...what makes these precious moments fade away for you...I know you hear me. I'm trying to hear you......talk to me....my son thinks that you dearly love me--that its not hate but fear that drives you....talk to me....with real audible words....few care enough about you to risk & share truth with you....talk to me....from one imperfect human being to another....
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The butterfly is symbolic of a beautiful transformation. Becoming all God truly made you to be when you entrust your heart to Him.
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Do you not know the good news....do you not know the difference of good and evil....
In the words of a wiseman: "Go and sin no more, you're forgiven." This means to keep on the path of goodness-in his strength not our own. It is impossible for any human being to continue to do good without sinning--only god can cause us to maintain faithfulness. Only God can truly mold the heart and truly knows our hearts better than our own selves.
Do not be discouraged, god's grace allows for mistakes in his forgiveness. Stop guilting yourself. Do you not know god's grace washes all clean and removes guilt? Maybe this will help bring some comfort: yes I do remember all that was done to me, what you've said to people about me and what was done behind my back - I find out more daily the depths of it all--BUT I choose to rise above it in love and forgiveness--showing my love and being a vessel of god's grace.
He's trying to show you His love for you by using me. Plainly: you've done some extreme things to me when I've been loving and remained loving. Do you not understand? This is what god's love is all about--when we screw up (and it doesn't matter how many times, how bad it is)--He STILL LOVES US - you.
Haven't you seen god's love for you displayed through me as an example? I'm using it as an example not to bring up the past--however the past is the only example that is right before your eyes. Do you not see? Do you not see love? It's not a feeling. LOVE is: patient, kind, doesn't envy or boast, it isn't proud/rude/self-seeking/or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong (but it does stand up for what is right & tries to fix it), it doesn't delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always: protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. True love never ends. True love never fails....and the secret is the word "true". True love never fails.
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U· R· L O V E D
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...and yet I realize I'm traveling down the last mile of this road alone....no one else loves you as I do...I was the last one...
...and perhaps I was the only true one...with true love...and I know I haven't been perfect--no one is...
And let's just say as an example and speculate: what if I--this screwed up individual who was so tragically hurt as a child and raped--can find god--give her heart to god, become ill, then be abused in a church, then shut people out of her heart because of that, to have god insert--no--THRUST an unconditional deep true love (one that was expressed above--one of forgiveness when extreme wrong has been done) that no matter what she did she couldn't dig out/get rid of/fight off/remove, have that love tested by having extreme wrong done to her with no apologies given to her and on the other side of it all still maintain that deep unconditional love and harbour no malice: I have to say I am at the end of myself (which is where I suspect you to be as well). My test was: can I love anyone again? Will I show love if hurt? Will I maintain love eventhough it seems unjust? Will I love no matter what?
YES. But only with god's grace. I struggled and god won. He caused me to choose goodness and love. I boast in him not in myself--i was obviously incapable of loving anyone and went through years of being genlte, kind, generous--but no love--no one came into my heart--after the church thing I was done with people but God wasn't done with me. In my pride and vanity I thought I could keep any love from getting into my heart and wanted it that way (no risk-no love-no pain).
The love that was inserted had to be from him because my heart was hard from my past--do you now understand. He used you to show me that yes I can love again--tested under extreme circumstances of sacrifice. He used me to show you that YES someone can truly love and forgive you after a series of mistakes and sin and that you can choose to love again. But wait...do you not know what sin is? I didn't until I was 21. I had no concept of this "sin thing". Many don't.
While it all may seem strange to both of us--its not so strange at all. Because of you I know how to love again. This difficult time has become a cherished one for me. This is what god does--His mysterious multi-faceted ways.
This was my side of the story....it was unknown to you...perhaps?
Perhaps God used both of us in each other's lives to show us both how to love again...2 seemingly very different people on the outside but maybe not inside...2 very different approaches....but winding up with the same beautiful results...
I've been humbled and I will remain in love now that God has won back my heart...
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It breaks my heart that people laugh knowing I care about you--but let them laugh.....because...I still have hope. You know why? Because I've seen you cry...
You do have a heart - a big beautiful one. 'Care taker--tender of the earth/garden'. God sees your beauty and so do I.
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A Friend Loves At All Times
Proverbs 17:17 ~ I Love U!!
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I would've given you bflies and roses too but you push me away. You can't have it both ways and I'm not a yo-yo. I'm always unsure of your reactions ~ its why I dont mention you as a mentor any more. You don't want to hear it. I want to & have openly in the past but you read some weird stuff into things & then used my respsect & gratefulness towards you against me ~ oh dear...Sometimes a rose is just that--a rose ---
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A Friend Loves At All Times
Proverbs 17:17 ~ I Love U!!
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Merry Christmas ~ you'll be missed
god impressed upon me that you need to take care of your hip & knees
you should read this ~ its beautiful ~ not condemning at all ~ its a very personal thing...his wrist wounds ~ you need to hear some positive things--you're too hard on yourself. I'm going to tell you some things: Your laughter is contagious & joyful & your smile sparkles when you're not concerned of judgement. You have compassion that goes deeper than a canyon & is displayed when you're not worried. Your kindness is more innocent than a child when you're not afraid of being hurt. Your precious heart resoundsing with a tender cry to those who take the time to listen & think about more than themselves. and your precious tears are not a sign of weakness--it is a sign of bridled strength. The shortest Bible verse: Jesus wept. He understands & so do i.
....one of the greatest stories I've ever experienced in my life....I'm honored to be a part of it....
